No longer trying..

i know..its holls but ive been missing....again :)

but i was reli bz wif tons of stuff..

not only places to go,,, but i took some time off to reflect on like wht,,,ermm,,, a million things or so...?

was having some moments of doubt on some of the actions ive made,, and the ones that im stil making..

i guess it doesnt take a genius to realize i'm not a perfect kid. i make mistakes,, den bite myself to pretend to sleep on saltwater filled bed just so the people around me dont get freaked out..

i try and try to fix everyone's stuff.. but right now i'm broken down in agony just trying to find faith that there is still a reason to help those around me out..

i guess my biggest mistake of all is that all i want is for people i care for to be happy..which is why i apologize generously when its freakin shiet not even my fault or even do it for others just to make things bttr..

even tho i'm the one at loss and the one with bloodshot ears after listening he things they say,, i still go forward and apologize..like wth right? how can someone like me have so low self esteem to go on apologizing? i mean if its a freaking outsider i wudnt give a care in the world,, but when someone who's close to you does that,,,,,,,,its a whole diff thing......no/...?esp if its not one,, but many lol

i just dont like the fighting sessions i witness.. i reli dont like it.. is that too much to ask??? why are ya'll so blind to see the things you have in life and appreciate it??

and to those people well ya i know u freaking dont care if i drop dead.. all you see and think is that everything in my life comes perfectly and almost as easy.. like as tho i dont have to work to get anything done.. damn you're wrong alright.. maybe you were all just too busy caught up in your world that you forgot to glance back at the exisiting me.. while you're busy playing house with your soulmate i'm here still sitting here alone lost in your conversations and the oogly googly things.. it takes me hours to keep up with all of you people's moodswings but in an instance everything changes again the min they appear..

well maybe you should think of this.. whenever you're down,, everyones around trying to cheer you up.. wat about me eh?? i'm no saint to keep on helping and listening and fixing your damn mood swings when you barely have the time to see what i perhaps went thru already? did you every take anytime to consider what was it like for me?? being older to me,, did you ever sit and see if i'm okie for ONCE??

i guess the world is filled with bloody selfish pep eh...

heck,,,i never complained aboutall these...till i ws told a couple of stuff recently.. which made me ponder.....is helping those around you any worth it??
when the people arpound you dont care at all..

if youre a sister,, mother,, father,, or even someone's best fren,,, pls pls pls take a second for ONCE and look at the person aronud you if they're okey.. cause no matter how much they smile,, they're reli dying just for smeone to sit and listen for once.. stop being so caught up in your own problems for once and take a glance..
AND NEVER NEVER NEEVVEERR question their honesty in helping you out...cause reli you'll just make them lose trust in ever helping anyone sincerely again..

as for me... seriously..

i give up being the girl who smiles and laughs trying to make the situation as light as it can get..

i give up caring and waiting for someone to come and listen to me for a change instead..

no one is reli worth it in the end i guess.....

i'm done and through with this....

i'm not here for all of your bullshit entertainment tats one thing for sure..